Parenting Tips

Divorce, or having children under any circumstances, is an extremely challenging situation. No matter what kind of a parent you were when you were married, you have the opportunity to be a totally different - and possibly better - parent even if you do not live with the other parent. This is because you may now appreciate the time you have alone with your children and make it quality time.

If you had problems parenting during marriage (or when living together} and your rights are threatened because of those problems, do not give up. Consult someone like me – a lawyer with more than 26 years experience in counseling parents, mostly as head of the national Children’s Rights Council. I can help you preserve your rights without walking over your kids.

Do not only consult me. Immediately join a parents' support group. Women know how to talk to each other; but women without custody would do well to contact the National Association of Non-Custodial Mothers (NANCM), a national group based in Florida for emotional support.

Fathers -- join the nearest fathers' support group. Look on the internet or the phone book to find the group nearest you. There is often a lawyer present at meetings, who can answer questions. Women know they need help. Men think they can go it alone. What a huge mistake! Men need as much help as women in negotiating the difficult transitions in your family, in which you may have little or NO experience.

I am a divorce lawyer, but I had no background in custody law. So when I got separated years ago, the first thing I did was join a parents' support group in northern Virginia, where I lived. Six months later, I was running the group. I always advise parents to join such a group and attend meetings.

1. Join a mothers' or fathers' parenting group in or near your community.
2. Realize that whatever kind of parent you were in the past, this is a new beginning, and an opportunity to be the best parent you can be.
3. Learn the laws in the state where you live. Learn your rights and responsibilities. This can be done by joining a parents' support group, by utilizing a custody consultant, or obtaining a free half-hour of with a family law attorney.
4. Find out from a support group or custody consultant what seems right in your case – continuing to live with the other parent, counseling, mediation, parenting education, obtaining a lawyer who is right for you, or some other approach.
5. Learn about all these rights BEFORE you file your first court document. And especially for your kids.
6. Always be kind to them. If YOU seem confused, know that they may be even more confused – only they may have no way of communicating that.
7. Listen to your children. Talk to your children.
8. Do not badmouth the other parent -- in word, gesture, or deed.
9. Do not play "I Spy" games (questioning the children about activities at the other parent's house).
10. Join the PTA and volunteer at their school for one morning a month.
11. Never miss an opportunity to be with your children or take them to their activities.
12. Divorce or a similar experience can be a lifelong problem for kids. They need you now more than ever. And they need their other parent as well.
13. You may divorce the other parent, but you do not divorce your kids. Children are born with need, and love both parents.
14. Children are the victims of divorce. Recognize that and do not blame them in any way.

Divorce can be an opportunity for your personal growth, but it is generally a difficult situation for your children. Get help for them. Read books about divorce, and learn whatever can about parenting and divorce.

Recommended books include: Putting Kids First, by Michael L. Oddenino, Divorce Wars, by Jeffery M. Leving, and Divorce Poison, by Richard A. Warshak. The library will have other books on divorce, as well as on never-married parents.